I want to say that I’ve been keeping my word and moving forward as I originally intended to do, but of course, I’ve slipped up. Stir-craziness, stress, and overall general boredom has caused me to convince myself that I should try to balance out drinking and going out and my priorities. Apparently, that’s something that I either can’t do at all or something that I’m not ready to master. I’m currently having a mental breakdown of epic proportions due to my latest close-call and health scare due to my good friend: alcohol.

God is probably looking down on me right now and is absolutely astonished by my relentless willpower to turn back to alcohol again and again even after stunts of public humiliation and cheating death. He’s probably wondering what else he could possibly throw at me in order to change my ways for good. Flipping my car, getting in trouble with the law, embarrassing myself, pushing away the people that I love, and making my parents sick with worry are all things that still weren’t enough to make me just throw in the towel. I’m even starting to wonder what it is that draws me to something that has never done me one favor and has caused every problem I have to date.

I’ve realized that alcohol is hard to give up, but it’s not really just being drunk that I have a difficult time resisting. It’s accepting the fact that I’m not like everybody else. Being drunk doesn’t make me fun, happy, or more likable. I can’t go to the bar and responsibly drink and take care of my priorities at the same time. I can’t drink without doing reckless, impulsive things that put my life in danger. I’m not going to go into much detail, but just take my word for it. I can’t drink like other people can. I’ve been fighting so hard my whole life to convince myself and everybody else that I’m capable of living a “normal teenage/young adult life” by going to parties and bars and clubs and getting drunk and doing what I feel like I’m supposed to be doing at this point of my life. But I can’t. And that’s the hardest thing to come to terms with while you’re trying to get sober in college when college is supposed to be the least sober time of your entire existence.

No more funny, drunk Snapchats that show off my social life in attempt to prove that I’m somehow relevant in this overrated college party scene. No more meeting up for margaritas with the girls. No more wine nights. No more hitting happy hour after a long week of working and studying. No more getting a casual drink with a friend or a new guy. No more accepting invitations to house parties. Over the past week or two, I’ve proved that I can’t just go to a social outing and not drink. At least not yet, but I don’t think that time will be happening anytime soon. That’s the problem with college. You remove alcohol from your life, and you realize how many things in your life revolved around alcohol. You realize how many friendships were built on a platform of getting fucked up. You realize how every shitty situation that you’ve ever been in, every friendship that’s crumbled, and every worrisome phone call that your parents have received in the past few years had to do with me + alcohol.

And truthfully, I’m starting to get worried that if I don’t stop, I’m not going to have any friends left to even be tempted to go out and drink with. I’m worried that nobody is going to take me seriously and see me as any more than that embarrassing drunk girl that can’t go a month without an alcohol related head injury or mortifying herself in public. They’re not going to see me for my humor, intelligence, creativity, big heart, genuineness…nothing. Everybody is just going to continue to see that crazy girl who makes a fool out of herself and has no self-control. I don’t want to be that girl anymore.

I want to be successful in life. I don’t want my dad telling me that he’s worried about whether or not I’m going to make it. I want a healthy, happy relationship that isn’t constantly in shambles because of the ridiculous drunken stunts that I pull. I want my friends to look at me as somebody who is responsible and admirable, not somebody who is a constant hot mess. I don’t want to let a substance hold me back from a positive future. I have the whole world in my hands and opportunities, gifts, and qualities that make me eligible for a bright destiny. But all I’ve been doing is standing in my own way and sabotaging myself by knowingly making poor choices.

Where do I go from here? I’ve messed up, I’ve gone back on my word, I’ve let myself down…I’ve told myself I could never imagine going back to my old ways, yet here I am. I’m not going out every night anymore, but the few times that I have drank lately didn’t end up too well. I’ve realized it’s not how frequently a person drinks, but it’s how much and how they act when they do that raises concerns. I could drink once a month and have it still be a disaster. So drinking just isn’t an option, period.

I texted my ex-boyfriend tonight because he dealt with my problems with alcohol for over two years somehow. He’s seen the worst of it, he’s heard the same spiels, and he made it pretty clear to me during our relationship that alcohol and I don’t mix. In a moment of weakness and low self-esteem, I asked him what made him stick around. At this point, I can’t even imagine anybody being able to put up with my crazy. Who would want to wife up the girl that’s falling all over the place, making a scene all the time, and acts emotionally unstable? After all the problems that I caused and after all the strain that I put on us due to drinking, he simply said that it was because he loved me and knew that I was a good person. Even though our relationship is over and done with, it did remind me that I’m worthy of love even when I act like a complete idiot. I’m not the “real me” or a more honest me when I’m drunk. That person is simply not me and I realized that anyone who truly loves me and is meant to be in my life will acknowledge that. I pray that the people in my life stick around or at least come around eventually when they see a change in me. I pray that the right new people come into my life and accept me regardless of whether or not I drink. I pray that I find somebody who loves me unconditionally despite my struggles and flaws and everything that I’ve been through.

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