day 6

I don’t know if this is just the nature of the beast when it comes to quitting drinking but I’ve felt drastically different every day. Some days I feel hopeful about it, some days I feel depressed, some days I feel like nothing can stop me, and the emotion of the day today is just lonely. After watching my friends get ready to go out together yet again and leaving me alone in my apartment as I’m sitting on my bed doing homework, I’m finally starting to feel like I’m missing out. It doesn’t make me want to change my mind, but it does make me think about all the good times that I’m missing out on while my friends don’t have a care or worry in the world about drinking. I’m not just giving up alcohol. The hardest thing about quitting drinking is giving up the places that you’re used to going, not spending as much time with the people that you’re used to doing it with, and turning down the invitations that you’re used to getting. You have to change the dynamic of your life when you’ve revolved so much of your time around doing things that involve alcohol. My mom doesn’t understand why I think I’m going to lose friends through this. She is probably the most responsible drinker I know, somebody who can go to a raging concert or a sporting event or go bar hopping with her friends and have two light beers and have the time of her life. She has a rich and fulfilling social life despite the fact that she doesn’t depend on getting wasted to have fun. But you couldn’t catch me dead at a sweaty college bar that smells like puke and cheap liquor without any alcohol in my system to make it more tolerable. I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I come off as an outgoing and friendly person whether I’m drunk or not, but it’s easy for me to feel overwhelmed and anxious in big crowds. I want to be positive and say that I could still thoroughly enjoy myself being the only sober person in a room full of obnoxious drunk people but I can’t really picture it. I’ve showed up to Pub at midnight completely sober once and it was one of the most annoying and uncomfortable experiences I’ve ever endured.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was pushing away somebody that I cared about for the last time due to all of my drunken antics. But what will new guys that I meet really think when I tell them that I don’t drink? Will they think that I’m lame and boring? I’d rather not go into detail about why if they ask. How will I loosen up before a date? What if they ask me to meet up with them for drinks, what will I say? All of these questions have been flooding into my head today and I don’t have the answers to them. All I know is that alcohol has been the root of every problem and negative situation that I’ve found myself in over the past few years and I’m not going back, so I guess those are all scenarios that I’m going to have to deal with when they arise. I’m just hoping that when I do meet somebody worth my salt, they won’t care about whether or not I drink and will like me for who I am.

I’m also hoping that after this week, I won’t be talking so much about how hard it is to not drink anymore and I can just write about other things in general. At the end of the day, alcohol is just alcohol. It’s a liquid that makes you feel a certain way, like soda makes you feel hyper and like chamomile tea makes you feel relaxed. It’s not the actual act of drinking that I crave so much, but the lifestyle and the social events that come with it that I’ve been so accustomed to. This is the sixth night in a row that I’ve spent alone while my friends are all out and about and I guess I’m just starting to feel the pangs of solitude.

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