day 2

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was a text I recently received. It stated that despite how sometimes I seemed like somebody who was attractive, cool, and somebody that they wanted to be with, that my drinking habits are what caused them to see me in a whole different light. When I first got that text, I couldn’t stop bawling my eyes out. How did I let myself ruin something that I wanted so badly just because of alcohol? I keep thinking about the what ifs…what if I never drank, what if always kept my cool, what if I never said and did things that I regretted the next day, would I be happy with this person that I fell so hard for, something that seemed so perfect at first? I realized that every negative situation that pushed us apart had to do with me drinking. For almost a year, I’ve been getting chance after chance with this person, only to fall into the same negative cycle of proving that I’m just a hot mess that can’t control herself…that can’t process her emotions in a healthy way, that can only express herself after she drinks and lashes out, then profusely apologizes like a lunatic the next day. My friends and I can call this guy an asshole if we want to try to make myself feel better, but it gets to the point where I have to ask myself, “Would want to be with a person like me? Can I blame him?” It’s hard to expect to find a healthy relationship with someone else if you’re not in a healthy relationship with yourself. I’m always going to be trying to fill a void, looking to somebody else outside myself to try to make me happy, only to be left disappointed time and time again. I was unhappy. I lost touch with my hobbies, my friends, my goals…I just revolved my life around going out and wanting attention from one person. No healthy or normal relationship is going to blossom out of those circumstances.

Sadly, the DUI wasn’t the wake-up call. Flipping my car three times on the highway wasn’t the wake-up call. Being put on chapter probation for drinking and then eventually getting kicked out of my sorority wasn’t the wake-up call. Being in the front seat while someone else got a DUI wasn’t the wake-up call. It was finally losing somebody that I cared so much about because alcohol and being an insecure person in general made me look like somebody that I wasn’t. It was putting strain on my friendships because I was a selfish friend when I was drunk, who only had a one-track mind and listened to nobody. I love with everything I have, so how am I going to let my substance abuse get in the way of the relationships that mean the most to me? If I want to be appreciated for my good qualities, I can’t be only showing my bad ones and then asking what the hell is wrong with people when they don’t like me.

For the past several months, the only way I dealt with my sadness was to lay in bed all day and sulk. I avoided my friends at times, avoided schoolwork, avoided the world and just hoped that somehow things would miraculously get better even if I just laid in bed and did nothing. The only things that I didn’t avoid were opportunities to drink with people who probably didn’t value me as a real friend, but just a drinking buddy that never said “no”. I sat around sitting, waiting, and wishing instead of actually doing things that would benefit me in a positive way. So today, instead of dwelling in my negativity and crying which I initially very much felt like doing when I woke up, I got up out of bed and made coffee and breakfast at a reasonable hour. I set up an internship interview and went shopping for professional clothes. I got my ass into some workout clothes and ran the trails with my roommate in 90 degree weather and almost passed out in a bush. I still felt sad throughout the day, but the person that I’ve been for the past year would’ve never had the motivation to do any of those things considering the way I felt. I’m not going to let my feelings or let my drinking get in the way of moving forward in my life anymore. I came to college to get an education and establish a career, not just to party and revolve my life around trying to find love in the wrong places.

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