Today is the day that I’ve decided that I’m done living in a daze. I’m done blurring my days and nights together, abusing alcohol to forget about my problems. I’m done looking in the mirror and seeing tired, red eyes. I’m done not recognizing myself. Who is this person? I thought she was smart, and driven, and good at heart…not somebody who lives life in the shallow end, trying to find the answers to her problems by numbing herself. Sometimes, I feel so much at once that I think it’d be better not to feel anything at all, even if my problems in the first place were caused by alcohol. I’ve pushed people away with my drinking problem. I’ve made people start seeing me as this hot, uncontrollable mess rather than somebody who likes to paint, write, do yoga, read, and love with my whole heart. I have so much to offer to the world but all the world can see is how I’ve been negatively portraying myself…as this girl who pounds shots and slurs her words and isn’t in control of her life. You would think that getting a DUI would’ve been a wake-up call. That’d be a good time to get sober, right? Wrong. My drinking got worse. Getting kicked out of my sorority only motivated me to be more rebellious. I told myself I didn’t want to let getting a DUI define me and that’s why I didn’t stop drinking. I told everyone I didn’t want to sit in my room and dwell about my mistakes so that I had an excuse to continue going to the bar and pretend like nothing happened. But I’ve let getting a DUI cause my life to become even more chaotic and messy. I thought maybe being a “hot mess” would be like my personal brand. I owned the fact that I partied a lot and made bad decisions and acted like a fool. But deep down, I knew this wasn’t me. I barely even knew who I was at all. But all I knew was that in the moment, when I was dressed up with a drink in my hand and dancing, I wasn’t thinking about how lonely or insecure I really was deep down. I wasn’t thinking about how I could be in a room full of friends and family and still feel like I was so hard to love. I wasn’t thinking about how repeatedly having embarrassing, drunken nights is what caused guys who once thought I was beautiful and attractive to think that I was a problem that they couldn’t handle. After going on benders for weeks at a time, I started waking up in the middle of the night with shaky hands and a pounding heart. I was experiencing overwhelming anxiety and didn’t know what the root of it was. After doing some research, I found that unexplained anxiety symptoms can be caused by alcohol withdrawal. I thought to myself, “Really?” Was my body really beginning to depend on alcohol? Maybe I wasn’t just a college kid who liked going to the bars, but a person who had to drink to feel normal. These thoughts swirled in my head every day and I still went to go pick up a drink the second someone offered one to me. I ignored all the warning signs and told myself that I was being dramatic and still went out every single night.
So what’s rock bottom for me? I’ve seen it all. Someone else’s rock bottom is just another night for me. After repeatedly binge drinking and doing and saying things that absolutely don’t align with my true values, I’ve realized it’s just time to put this phase of my life to an end. Is alcohol worth feeling like I “fit in”? Is it worth treating every school night like a Friday? Is it worth making my social life more of a priority than getting good grades and being a respectable employee? Is it worth pushing away the people I love, making them think that I’m just a girl that can’t control her drinking? It’s not anymore. This isn’t the person I want to be. For the past year, my only priority has been to numb whatever I’m feeling. So now, I just imagine myself becoming 100% sober, getting back into working out and eating healthy, having relationships that don’t revolve around drinking, and doing well in school. It’s not going to happen overnight but I’ve decided that I’m going to use this blog to document how I feel about the whole process and my journey of bringing back joy.